Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Spiraling into the past
I just found some logs from last year around this time that I wrote on paper. You see, last year I kind of had this downward spiral into madness for a while, and it's all documented (however non-thoroughly) right here. For archiving purposes (and for your entertainment, of course), I will now transcribe them all to this weblog:

May 20th 2002:
Why do I fear knowing my true self? I feel my transformation is nearing its end. I'm afraid of making the next step. The last step. I've dreamt of this day for as long as I can remember. The day when I can finally breathe. When the lies all come to an end. I want it so bad and yet I fear it. I fear I can never go back. Is it because I'm afraid associations will become impossible with those I care about? Most likely. If that is so, then I am not as far along on my journey than I had hoped. I do not deserve to meet someone as prestiguous as myself if I am such a coward. I'm embarrassed of myself. I'm a prejudice bastard to be so embarrassed of someone I've never even met before. Maybe I'm destined to live this shallow life of mindless social games pretending to be someone I loathe. This cowardous will ruin my life in time. I'm sure of it.

Walking on the sidewalk makes me feel as if my entire body is covered in a thick lead paint and I am slowly suffocating as I blindly fall toward an agonizing death. I used to look out the window to the west to reassure myself that not all life was as monotonous and disgusting as the one I lead. Now the vast fields and forest I used to focus my thoughts on is blocked by that monstrosity grocery store. It's obnoxiously bright lights burn into my brain the feeling that life ends in this imprisonment. It gives me the same feeling as walking on the sidewalk, only I can't get rid of it by merely walking on the grass.

I spent alot of time here in the past. Some was time that could have been better spent. Some was time better spent. But most importantly, some was just time.

The skateboarders over there are trying desperately to be accepted by their peers. That used to make me mad. I'm not sure if I am so arrogant anymore. Did I not used to be the same, if not worse? I will have to come to terms with those "dark ages" of my life if I am to grow into the person I strive to be.

There's no light at the end of the tunnel, there's only a tunnel at the edge of the light.

May 22nd 2002:
Nothing seems to bother me anymore. And yet I sense a slight uneasiness. I'm more aware of subtle things around me now. When I was outside I felt as if I could feel each ray of sun being stored in m individual skin cells. It was invigorating and yet strange. There are alot of things out there that are not good to be aware of, to feel. The world is a dirty place. I've always thought that and now it is all the more clear.

I knew this would be difficult. And although I am gaining more and more confidence in my will as each day progresses, I'm still uncertain whether or not I can accomplish this. I will definitely need to learn faith. I've always considered myself optimistic and I most likely seem that way to others, but I now know that I am not. Of course, I am not "pessimistic" either or any other government manufactured sub-category of the cattle they know as the human race. This knowledge is very interesting to me and it reminds me of the reasons I started writing down my thoughts. I only wish I had done this during my period of extended "isolation". That was definitely a very prolific time. It deserved to be documented.

Maybe it was best I didn't record my thoughts during that time. It is obvious that writing causes one to think differently, and I would not have been able to discover my true being that way. I'm still in a sort of isolated state as I seem to instinctively disconnect myself from social situations. Maybe this is a good thing. Perhaps it is not.

I've concluded that I think in shapes. To stop interpreting it as human "language" is partly my goal. To have unaltered, unobstructed access to every thought my brain churns out would have to be a marvellous skill. I can't even imagine how enlightened I'd become. That is a very important hurtle indeed. Possibly the most important.

I didn't think it was possible but I've become even more socially awkward. I guess it makes sense considering I constantly avoid human contact. I thought it was because I didn't like most people but now I know it is because I fear recognising how lonely I am.

June 7th 2002:
I am a hypocrite. All I want is my life back. I want it the way it was. Back when I didn't care about all this nonsense I spout endlessly on about these days. These "morals" I pretend to have to fool myself into thinking I have a purpose in this world greater than work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, PROCREATE, eat, sleep, then DIE when I become too old to either work, eat, sleep, or procreate.

I constantly crave cigarettes nowadays. I know for a fact I will start smoking the damn things again. Soon. Why am I even suffering? Obviously I don't care about my health. I pretend not to care about money but that'd be the reason I "choose" not to smoke. Actuallly it's just the postponement of my next smoke. Hmm, when I get paid it's probably the first thing I buy. In a few days I turn 19 and then there'll be absolutely nothing standing in my way. That first puff will be so very good. As I sit and stare, my muscles loosen for the first time in ages knowing that the first puff is coming. Soon. It could happen tomorrow. I see no reason why not. It's not like I need the money to procreate, eat or sleep.

No more pseudo-intellectualism here, pass me a smoke and disregard anything I've written before now and probably after as well. I'm honest now. Live with it.

July 7th 2002:
The health of the mind is a direct cause of the health of the body. I realised that today. Today my body tried to tell me something and I finally began to listen. I can't go on living like this. All the hatred burning inside, it can't stay. It is unhealthy. I have finally rid myself of the pathetic delusions I conjured up as an excuse to express my anger. I worked so hard to change myself, to stop repressing everything, to grow as a human. I became so disillusioned, thinking I was more "peaceful" that I didn't even notice my regression into what I was. This has to stop now. I need to gain control of my mind.

It isn't Bracebridge causing my uneasiness, nor its occupants. It isn't so dramatic as that. For me to become truly free of arrogance I have to realise that other people have lives of their own. I should not care whether or not anyone else craves external acceptance just because it's a trait I dislike about myself. No, it is not Bracebridge's problem, or anyone else's. It is my own problem and I must deal with it myself. Take responsibility. Yes, that sounds about right.

I notice it's been a month since I wrote in here last. That seems proof enough of the aforementioned regression. I promise myself I will write more often. It is an invigorating treatment.

July 14th 2002:
The media are cowards, the government are cowards, this society is built for and by cowards. Someone wanted to gain power so he enlisted a bunch of friends and bullied people into living under the society we see today. That is the government: bullies with guns. They don't only use guns though, no, they use much more potent weapons of mass destruction: the media. How many people have died because of soft-focus lenses and makeup and plastic surgery? Countless. In fact it almost seems like a natural aspect of a female's life now to lose all self-confidence and dignity because these cowards are too scared to show an actual human on television. Ratings might go down, and although they would still make enough money to live a thousand lifetimes, it's still not worth it to save the lives of so many innocent people. I will have none of it. I will not indulge these cowards again. I would just as soon serve under Hitler himself.

Ok, that was interesting, eh? Those were all the pages I could find. There were probably more after July 14th but they are long lost now. I think the most amazing part is that I actually used the term "weapons of mass destruction" way back in July 2002.