Thursday, August 07, 2003

Breaking the cycle
Every night at 11:30pm I sit on my front step and have a cigarette. Two beautiful women walk by, every time. Every time, they don't notice me, as I sit in the shadows. Every night I wish our paths would just intersect instead of just run parallel.

Last night, at 11:30pm I sat on my front step and lit up a cigarette. Right on cue, the two ladies appeared on the road in front of me. But just as they were almost past, gasp, I was startled from my fantasizing stupor back into reality when I heard "excuse me." What the? Can they see me? Are we actually in the same world? It was like two universes colliding. "Do you have an extra cigarette?" This was my chance. All I have to do is be friendly, talkative, witty, clever, and I might actually find myself in a relationship. "Sure," I muttered, way too quietly, as if I was some retard trying to sound normal. "I'll pay you 25 cents for it," she explained as I stood up and reached into my cargo pocket for the pack. "No, don't worry about it," I said, again too quietly, as I walked toward her with the cigarette in hand. I handed her the cigarette, and when she motioned to give me the money, I shook my head and waved my hand and backed off. "Thanks," she said and they continued on their way. I re-entered the shadows.

"What is such a nice young lady doing out at this time of night?" "My name's Chris, how are you this fine, rainy evening?" "I like cats, they smell like cat food." Any of these lines would have been better than shaking my head and slinking off into the shadows. Dammit, you idiot. I've scolded myself for the last 23 hours about this. In an hour from now I'll sit on the step and hope to redeem myself. In an hour and five minutes from now I'll scold myself again for being such an idiot.