Sunday, June 29, 2003

To be or not to be (a musician)
I've come to the point in my life where I have to be honest with myself. If I want to truly be rid of materialism I have to one day quit playing guitar. I've fooled myself into not thinking about it for too long. I can't claim to be material-free while having my emotional release come from a machine. Of course I could sing, but I doubt I will. Basically the reality is that I won't be a musician anymore. It will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do in my life, I can assure you that. Music is my life at the moment. Without music, I would be dead many times over. Without music, I'd have no reason to live. I am a musician, therefore I am.

I have to seriously consider what I'm going to do with my life. I've always considered joining a monastery or something outside of society. It is definitely a life I aspire to. I have a lot of respect for (Buddhist) monks. But the fact is, there are a lot of things I just can't do. How much would I have to conform before I realise I'm living a lie? I am definitely not what you would consider a monk to be. Although I share most of their philosophies and morals, I just can't be like that. I may be doomed to live within society after all. Maybe my major flaw is that I still have that sense of self. That false sense of individuality. I for some reason think it's important to be so egotistical and arrogant. In my current state, I don't deserve to be a monk. Look what I'm doing now: publishing all these trivial aspects of my life with the delusion that other people actually care. I'm like every other 19 year old, western raised human. I find myself emersed in pointless philosophy and morals because I have disillusioned myself into thinking I'm somehow special. I'm somehow better than other people. I'm somehow different. The fact is, I'm just the culmination of many millions (or more) years of sexual intercourse. My body isn't who I am. What's the difference if I shave my head and wear a robe? What's the difference?

The point is, I'm hopelessly addicted to music. It is my one and only release in this world. Music is constantly running through my head and there's no way for me to stop it. I am music. Without it I am nothing.

And yet I have to give it up.